How do you deal with the “I don’t know” in coaching?
As a coach or executive, you are bound to encounter it: a coachee who responds with “I don’t know.” This statement can mean a lot in coaching. Often it’s not that they really don’t know anything; for example, the real answer may be too confrontational, painful or uncomfortable to express directly. This is precisely where there is an opportunity for growth. By working with what lives beneath the surface, you and your coachee can uncover important insights and create space for change.
What does “I don’t know” mean?
The “I don’t know” can hide a multitude of emotions and thoughts. Perhaps the coachee knows what needs to be done, but is afraid to acknowledge it yet or does not feel ready to take action. Sometimes trust in the coach is lacking, so fear of judgment takes over. Other times the inner critic plays a role, with thoughts like: *”This answer sounds stupid “* or *”If I say this, I must act on it immediately. “*
When coachees do not acknowledge these inner struggles, it can block them in their personal and professional growth. They focus on who they think they should be, rather than fully accepting themselves. This leaves valuable insights untapped, stuck in old patterns.
The power of recognition
As a coach, your role is to guide the coachee in acknowledging what is really going on. This can range from: *”I know I should quit my job, but I’m afraid “* to *”I don’t want to apologize, even though I know it’s the right move. “* Acknowledging this inner truth is often the starting point for transformation.
By discussing these uncomfortable truths, the coachee can break free from limiting thoughts and behaviors. This process, however uncomfortable, brings relief and clarity. From that new clarity, you can continue to build together.
10 questions to go from “I don’t know” to valuable insights
Here are ten powerful questions and techniques you can use to support when your coachee gets stuck:
- “If you could say everything out loud, without judgment, what would it be?
This helps them to speak freely, without inhibitions. - Let silence work
Sometimes silence brings the most valuable answer. - “What’s behind the ‘I don’t know’?”
A calm, direct question that invites introspection. - “If you secretly did know the answer and no one would judge, what would you say?”
This lowers the pressure and gives room for honesty. - “How do you feel now when you think about your answer?”
This connects them to their emotions and body signals. - “What has not knowing gotten you so far?”
This question reveals why they cling to uncertainty. - “What is it like for you not to know?”
With this you explore the experience of not knowing yourself. - “I feel the same way sometimes. Take your time and let me know when you’re ready to talk further.”
By doing so, you normalize their experience and give them space. - “If the ‘I don’t know’ had a color, smell or sound, what would it be?”
A creative approach to explore emotions and thoughts in a new way. - “Imagine looking at your life from a helicopter. What do you see, and what would your answer be?”
This question provides distance and helps you see patterns from a different perspective.
Create security and trust
For this approach, a safe and familiar environment is essential. What may seem small to you as a coach may be huge to your coachee. Be sure to listen with compassion and reflect without judgment. Take your time and stay curious.
By allowing the coachee to be fully themselves, you allow space for profound insights and liberating breakthroughs. The truth, no matter how uncomfortable, can be the key to transformation.
Stay curious about the “I don’t know” in coaching, without having to solve it for your coachee. It just might open the door to a valuable new perspective.
Want to learn more about professional, transformational coaching?
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